Thoughts
by pesky1127
Summary: Gail's POV/thoughts. 4x13 to season 5. Spoilers. I own nothing. Filling in scenes coz I absolutely love these two!
1. Chapter 1

Today was blurry. A bad day turned good day turned horrible day. Shootings. So many bullets, blood. Red. Red-ish...like her lips when it finally touched mine. So much touchings, I burned in a very good way. So unexpected. Guess I really was jealous last night. Focus! People could die tonight. I don't even know what Chloe's favorite band is. Not that I really care. It's just a need to know kinda thing. I'll ask her when she wakes up.

I paced the halls here at the hospital. I don't like the smell. Never did. Everything is pale and neutral. They should add colors. Brighten up this place. Looks so dead and gloomy. Fuck. Don't jinx it please. I take it back. But it definitely needs a splash of color. Maybe rainbows along the paneling and sidewall. I. Am. So. Gay.

Why didn't I know about this? Today is like an awakening. I can't suddenly be a lesbian? Can I? Seeing Holly last night...I knew it was jealousy, but mostly I just being judgy coz she could do so much better. So I settled for being judgy instead and pushed jealousy aside. I wasn't jealous, I told myself, as I downed my 6th drink I think. I was being a good friend, looking out for her best interest. I was thinking of girl friends to set her up with and that list came to a number zero, because no one fit. And it turns out I don't have a lot of friends. HA! But I didn't feel the actual feelings until they all came rushing in when she pulled me aside in the interrogation room. She cared for me, and that was enough to break my delusional denial that I like her. Like-like like her. And she needed to stopped talking.

Holly went to the cafeteria. Presumably to wash her hands too. I held onto them for too long. Sweat from nerves that are cause by holding Holly's hand. Sweat from nerves that my people are lying down and I can't do anything but wait. She's back with snacks. She's so sweet. She's too kind with snicker bars, granola bars, and trail mix in her hands.

"Hey"

"Hi"

"Take some. You probably haven't eaten all day. I didn't know what you'd like...the vending machine was limited with these goodies."

"No cheese doodles? Cheese crackers? Cheezits? Cheetos?"

"Tada! You are too easy." She pulled a bag of cheese doodles from her right pocket.

"Have I mentioned anything with or is cheese is awesome?"

"Actually you did. I remembered."

"Creepy...but thanks for remembering. I remember nothing."

"Liar."

I smile coz I feel light and airy when I'm around her. We sit again in the waiting room full of cops and more cops. The waiting game. I hate waiting. I only have so much patience. She passed out the other snacks to people and I saw kept the snickers bar. Noted.

I want to reach out for Holly's soft hand, but I feel so many eyes on me. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Nobody probably cares. But I kinda care, but I kinda don't. I'm a chicken. I don't reach for it. Saved by Frank. He comes over to us and said to go home. He tells everyone to go home and rest.

We walk to the parking lot Holly and I. I'm lost for words and I become awkward. She offers to take home, but I feel distant. I don't say a word and I just look at her. She nods and opens the door for me. I reluctantly get in. She gets in and she starts the car but doesn't go. I look down my hands and I tucked them in under my thighs to prevent them from doing things...like jumping out of this car.

"I"m sorry for this afternoon when I blew you off. You took me by surprise and I didn't mean to be so rude so, I'm sorry."

Inhale, exhale, inhale. I feel ridiculous. Could it be that we're alone again and I'm having these thoughts, these images of her skin against mine, it's making me into a blabbering nerd? She's contagious. I like it. I like her. I like her? I like her. What does it mean? I kissed her... earlier. I can't possibly erase that moment. That was one of the best, if not THE best kiss ever!

I look at her and she stares back, doesn't say anything. She grabs for my wrist, pulling my hand and holds it. She's warm and I'm cold. Holly intertwines them and it's amazing how it fits. Now I have about 100 butterflies in my stomach. She's driving me crazy.

"It's okay. I understand and really I shouldn't have hovered."

"Hovering is fine."

"No, it wasn't at that time. So it wasn't you, okay? I mean, I like you, if that wasn't obvious, but I'm your friend first."

I nod. I should say something, do something. Yet, I just nod. What is wrong with me? Tell her you like her too! So so so so so so so much! I keep nodding like a dumb fuck and she lets go of my hand and starts driving me home. I feel cold again. The butterflies left my stomach and I miss them. We are suddenly here so fast.

"Hey, are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I think I'll be okay...yeah." I'm still nodding. Fuck.

"Just call or text me okay? Whatever you need. You know where I live."

"Yes...I do."

I want to say something more, but I don't. Too much feelings today, tonight. So much as happened and my mind is a scramble. So I nod again, I get out of her fancy car and I go inside. No one's home. It's eerie, quiet. I go to my room and just crash on top of my bed. I look at the clock and I force sleep to happen. I will it to happen. I shut my eyes tight and I will it. Because I know if sleep doesn't happen, alcohol will. And I don't feel like going to the kitchen. It's too fucking far. C'mon sleep, let's go! I reach for my phone and I text Steve.

:: I'm in-like with Holly. Mother's gonna freak. I should be freaking out too right?

S: No need to freak out. Holly's clean. And nice. She gave me trail mix.

:: She gave me cheese doodles.

S: Already perfect for each other.

Sleep happened quickly. I feel irritated. Not in my right mind set. I cleaned up and brushed my hair and changed in to normal people clothes. I'm weary and it's only 4 in the morning. Nobody's home. I go the kitchen and it's a fucking mess. I need to get out of this place.

:: Are you up?

I texted Holly. Everyone else I know is at the hospital or at 15. I hope she's awake.

H: Yes.

:: At four in the morning?

H: I'm going in early later.

:: Oh.

:: I'm coming over then. Be there in 10.

H: K. I'll leave the door unlock.

:: Don't do that. Some creeper could come in!

H: Better hurry then.

She's too nice! I'm walking in the dark. It's fucking tragic. Chris is working at the station with Nash. Andy and Dov are probably at the hospital. I should be at the hospital. But here I am, walking and sulking at fucking 4 in the morning. I am selfish! But I'm useless when I'm there. I won't be able to do anything but fucking wait. I'll be a seat warmer...sitting from one seat to another. And some nurse would most likely to just kick me out. And I wouldn't know what do with myself. I could be working. I could. I should. But I'm off. I mean I feel off. Something is not right. Is because of what happened yesterday? Was it all the commotion with the gun man? All the shootings that happened? Was it Holly's sweet kisses and warm hand holding? Is it her lopsided, goofy smile? Holly better have breakfast! Or even better she should serve me some good alcohol! I cannot believe I just came out to Steve. Well sort of. I didn't actually say I'm gay...I texted I like Holly. Why must we label things?!

Finally. I get here. And sure enough she leaves it unlocked.

"Hey. You hungry?"

I raid her kitchen. I start to look for the most important thing.

"Nope. I only want alcohol."

"Oh, it's up there. But why don't you eat something first?"

"Yeah, okay. If it's got alcohol in it."

"You okay?"

"Yeah I"m fine. It's not like I'm the one who got shot."

"Maybe we shouldn't have left the hospital."

"Holly there are thirty other cops waiting around. There's no point me being there. No one's looking for my shoulder to cry on."

"Gail.."

Chills up my spine when she says my name, I quickly downed my breakfast.

"You know what though? We could go back as the big gay distraction. Yeah, let's give people something to talk about. I mean, now that I've come out to my brother that juicy bit of news is gonna spread like herpes. There's not going back now, girlfriend. There ain't no going back."

I make my way upstairs to the bathroom. I don't even know what I'm doing. My BFF right now is this little bourbon. I know where the bathroom is in this castle. I've invaded this room before. I look around and it's the neatest bathroom ever. She even has music here. I like her now even more. I push play, and I like what I hear. I take another swig and this is giving me the energy and boost I've been looking for all morning. I look in the mirror. I need change. Maybe I'm wrinkling out. Maybe some Botox is in order in the near future. Maybe I need a little tan. This hair isn't cutting it at all. Maybe it's my hair. Ha. I need to change my hair! What color this time around...or maybe I should just get rid of it. Yes. Where is the scissors? Found it.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm embarrassed. I'm having a nervous breakdown I spilled it all to Holly and my hair got the worse of it. I continue to chuckle and I take another drink. She stands up and takes off her cardigan. Holly opens the drawer and takes out a comb.

"Let's fix you up. What do you think? A bob? I think you'll look good in bangs."

"Hmm..Not sure that'll fly." Touching my hair I knew I royally fucked it up. So pulls me up and I lose my balance. Holly steadies me and laughs a little.

"You know, bourbon for breakfast, it's not the best idea."

"I need it." I tell honestly and she tilts her head, concerned. I shake myself off because I'm getting awkward again and the last thing I need to do is run. I jump into the tub and lowered myself down.

Holly takes the scissors and comb in her hands and joins me here.

"Are you sure about this?" she asks.

"You do know what you're doing? Right? Don't they teach you guys how to cut hair cautiously, you know, to save precious evidence or something?"

"Yeah sure...I mean I had prior experience. If you count barbie heads, I gave her the best hair cuts ever. I even did highlights actually. I used whiteout."

"You gave her white highlights? Poor Barb."

"I was pretty talented."

"Pretty, yes. Talented...I'll find out soon I guess." I made her smile. And my insides lightens. This alcohol is best thing ever. It's enough to get me flirty, and enough to keep my rough demeanor in check. I'm ecstatic nonetheless.

She hums when she's thinking. She touches my hair and it's giving me goosebumps all over. Thank god I'm wearing a sweater. But it's suddenly fucking hot in here. Maybe it's me, the nerves, the alcohol. So fucking hot she is. I watch her, concentrating on my hair. I watch her and she's still humming to the music. It's cute. She's cute.

"I got it. Hear me out. Pixie cut."

"Oh really? You think I can pull that off?"

"Yeah. Definitely. Like a little Halle, like Emma Roberts..."

"Like Charlize? She's hot. I'd totally hit that."

"Hahahahhah...You would "hit" that?!" Holly laughs hysterically and does air quotes. It's the cutest air quotes. So nerdy.

"Most important question is, can you pull it off?"

"You don't really have any choice at this hour. Unless you want to wait until later?"

"Fine. Go for it. Think Charlize, okay? Maybe we can download a pic on your phone to copy."

"No need. Just trust me."

I do. I close my eyes and Holly starts brushing my hair down. More goosebumps. She starts cutting and I sigh. I didn't picture this happening at all today. I was convinced it would just be an ordinary day. But here I am, sort of drunk, in Holly's bathtub, fully clothed, and getting a hair cut. Totally being selfish. But I like this closeness, this proximity with her. I open my eyes and I see her still focused on what's she's doing.

"I'm getting the hang of this," she says confidently.

"Are you? Mmm...I'm getting sleepy. Is that weird? Whenever I get my hair cut, I get sleepy."

"You drink every time you get a hair cut?"

"No, silly. I mean in general...sans alcohol. I feel sleepy. Like every time."

"Do you tend to get your hair done at an ungodly hour?"

"Of course not. I guess it's just me."

"I guess so. You are super odd, Gail Peck."

"You know you like it."

She smiles and now she's touching my cheeks, my chin, moving my face from side to side. I need some distraction right now, but I don't know what. I'm not so sleepy any longer. Snip. Snip. Holy stealing touches of my face. I let her, as I steal moments on her face. Maybe I'm dreaming. I don't want to wake up. I say stuff, wondering out loud. She chuckles, I'm loving that smile.

"Not exactly a fairytale. Still kinda beautiful though."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

Holly lowers herself to me and I cannot look away. She's touching my cheeks, I don't mind one bit. She's so close. Her thumb brushes my lip, and all I can do lean in. I welcome her kiss, lip so soft, softer than yesterday's. Is that possible? I lose myself a little. She's so gentle. My heart beats a little faster, a little louder. It's deafening, that when she breaks free of me, I don't even hear what she's saying. I get up, and all I want to do is get closer I again. I'm awake. I'm wide awake. I grab her, for another. And another. Her hand on my neck, I'm starting to lose control. Then she's gone in a second, leaning down.

"What are you doing?"

She opens the water and it's freezing cold. Before it warms up, she's warming me up. She kisses me, tenderly, urgently. I pull her closer to me, until there is no space between us. We are soak, but I don't care. I deepen the kiss, and I hear her moan a little, the sweetest sound. There's ringing in the background, and suddenly no more kissing is happening.

"Shit! I'm gonna be late for work!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Shit! I'm gonna be late for work!"

We're both soaked, out of breath. Holly's hands clinging to me, my hands on her lovely face. She's second guessing, whether to go to work or not, I can tell. I kiss her again, soft and forgiving. She looks at me and that's all I need. Our foreheads connect and suddenly she's stepping out of the tub. Holly closes the curtain and gets her phone.

"Hello? Yeah I'm on my way. Uh huh...like 5 minutes. Okay." She ends the phone call and yells out, "Gail I'm gonna get going! Just lock up when you leave or stay as long as you want! You know where my closet is, help yourself or dry you stuff! I'll text you later!"

I hear her in the other room, opening the drawers, changing clothes. Another minute and she's gone. The water feels really nice, but it's a little colder here without Holly. Big sigh. Did that just really happen? I peel off my jeans. I take off my heavy sweater and everything else. I lather some soap on me. Where was that gonna go? Coz that was some pretty heavy make out session. I shake my head. Save by the phone call. Am I ready for Holly-and-I-sex? I have goosebumps. I don't even know what to do. I haven't really thought about it. I grabbed some shampoo and I lather it in my hair. My hair cut feels nice. Light. Maybe it's not bad after all. I think of Holly. I think of Holly kissing me again. Her hands. Her lips. Everything so soft. I think of Holly naked and I almost slipped in the tub. Note to self: don't think of Holly naked...while in the shower.

I shut off the water and grabbed some towels. I grabbed my wet clothes and head down the hall. I put my clothes in the dryer and go back to the bathroom, only to be distracted by Holly's bedroom across the hall. Annnnd here it is. Holly's bed. It's not my first time seeing it. I just never thought about it this bed until now. Who knew a bed could be so enticing? Maybe it's because I'm being a perv and I'm thinking about Holly-and-I-sex in this very bed. I shake my head off. Maybe I'm just sleepy. I only did sleep for like 2 hours. Maybe I'm still sleeping, even dreaming. Next thing you know I'm in Holly's bed. Under her covers. Naked. With a towel head wrap because my clothes are drying off. And it's so comfortable here. I think of Holly. I think of kissing Holly. She gives me butterflies even when she's not physically here. I start to drift a little. I am tired.

I hear foot steps. For a moment I forgot where I was. I opened my eyes and the four corners I see wasn't at all familiar until everything clicked in all at once. I blink several times and I wake up here in Holly's bed, under the covers. I don't know what time it is or how long I've been here.

Suddenly, I hear foot steps closing in. Holly enters the bedroom and I don't move, taken a back by her appearance. She seemed tired, it must be late. She doesn't see me and she continues to make her way to the bedroom, picking up her the wet clothes from this morning; her pants, her socks, her shirt. She disappears to her closet and I just hear rustling around of hangers and metal. I should really announce my presence. But I can't. I'm embarrassed. And naked. In her bed. This is not a ploy, I didn't plan any of this. What if she thinks I planned this? Oh god!

She emerges from the closet and casually takes off her shirt. Holly in her bra. I just stare. Oh god!

"Holly." I said quietly, I didn't want to alarm her.

"Holymotherfuckingchrist!"

"Hi." I wave. I smile, failing miserably.

"Gail...what the fuck?! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry. I fell asleep. Here...and...you're still not wearing your top."

"Oh." Holly puts her shirt back on, still holding her chest from the mini heart attack I caused.

"Yeah. I uh fell asleep, my clothes are in the dryer..."

"Oh ok."

"In the dryer...Holly...my clothes"

"Ok. Ohhhkay. You mean?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

She hides the smile on her face, but clearly it's there. I'm way too embarrassed and I clutched the sheets further to hide my face, sinking deeper in the bed. She makes her way to the bed and sits on the edge, searching for my hand. She finds in and cradles it for a second. She's smiling ear to ear and now I'm the one having the mini heart attack.

"Hmm...was this your plan?" she whispers.

"What?! Holly! You think I planned this? This was clearly caused by exhaustion! And! New hair! It's a lot to take in."

"I'm just kidding." And she leans over to quickly gives me a peck on the cheek. "And I really really like how the hair turned out. I think I did a superb job," and she kisses me again on the same cheek.

Holly leaves my side, and butterflies are air borne again in my stomach from the little lady kisses. She intentionally missed my lips. Who does that? She comes back and she has my clothes in her hands. She folds them in the blink and places them on the bed.

"Here. Get dressed. And I'll fix something up for dinner. You're staying for dinner, right?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Ok. I'll be down stairs."

"Yup."

She closes the door and I change into my clothes. I go to the bathroom and search for my phone, I think I left it there. I see it right next to an almost empty bourbon. 48 fucking text messages. Damn. I scroll to through the message: Chloe died for a minute. Oliver is awake. Chloe is did not die. Dov and Andy had trouble, who the fuck cares about Andy. Yada yada yada. Holly texted smiley faces. This makes me smile. Diaz is bored. Nash is asking about Holly, probably coz Steve has diarrhea of the mouth. Steve is asking about Holly. And a text from Mother.

I take the empty glass and the bottle down stairs. Holly is in the kitchen, slicing and dicing. I make my way to the kitchen and lean by the counter, not sure what to do or say. I look around and it looks like she know what she's doing. Something's boiling, which smells good. Another apparatus is steaming up.

"You like to cook?"

"Yes and no...it depends what I'm making and the company."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No it's alright. I got this."

Holly continues with the cooking. And I'm watching her. I can't help it. I feel like it's been a week since she last kissed me. I'm delusional. I crave her. Not to be mistaken for my hunger of food. But I think I'd rather make out and skip dinner no matter how delicious it smells. Holly smells better. Let's face it, Holly is always better than anything. How did I just realize this yesterday? I'm so dumb. All those weeks wasted away. Maybe I'll make up for lost times. I just need to grow some balls in the mean time so I can do what I want. And what I want is to smell her. Maybe some kisses too.

I take a deep breath, and I take a step forward. I'm right behind her, desperate. I close my eyes, and I let my hands do the talking. I grab her sides gently, and I instantly bury my nose in the back of her neck. I inhale and mission accomplished. She smells incredible and my knees gives out a little. I snake my arms around her and Holly sighs and traces her hands on my arms.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"For what?"

"For...being you."

And we stay like this for what feels like an eternity. Everything feels right, finally. I'm okay with this. I'm really okay with this.


	4. Chapter 4

Shifts and paper work, parade and stake outs, patrol and car rides, it all flew by because I have a Ms. Stewart in mind. Days and hours, even minutes were just numbers, even though I cannot wait to see her face again. I close my eyes and I see her face and it's the second best thing. So I'm settling for the second best thing when I'm at work. Observant Dov thought I was sleeping on the job and I said out loud that I was just in deep thought. But of course he bothers me. I almost threw a stapler at him.

She has taken over my mind, Holly. I check my phone constantly to see if there's a text from her. I pour coffee and my mind wanders to when we just had coffee hours ago before work and how she gently touched my hand that made me all tingly inside. Why is this happening to me? I am so into her. And I'm not even denying it anymore.

I cannot get enough and we haven't even done the deed. Who the fuck says 'done the deed' anymore?! We have not had sex yet. There. Granted it's only been a few days, close to a week, that we confessed these feelings to one another. I'm not even complaining about the make out sessions that happened in shower, on her couch, in her kitchen, in the bathroom, at her office, and her couch. I really really like her couch.

But if I were Holly, maybe I wouldn't be able to wait any longer. Right? Not because I'm so Gail Peck oh look at me I'm still kinda beautiful, no not in that way. In a lesbian kinda way. I don't even know what that means. Like, how long can Holly really wait? Coz if I were to be honest and this was like my old relationships...we would have done the deed already. Dammit! We would have had sex already! Just say sex, Gail! Sex! It's not a bad word! Nobody can hear your thoughts!

Like, how does that work? I mean, we fit perfectly together, Holly and I. When we are on my favorite spot, her couch, our bodies just mold together. It doesn't even matter who's on top or bottom. She just feels so good. Too good at times. The first time we feel into the couch was by pure accident. Our kisses got too heavy, my knees got weak, hands all over, and I stumbled over and the couch broke our fall. I was on my back and she was grazing over me. And we laughed and interrupted her with a kiss because she just tasted so good. Holly lowered herself slowly, suddenly aware that the space between us doesn't exist. The weight of her body on mine was indescribable. I let out a sigh that sounded more like a moan I've been holding on to. And just like that she let out a light groan near my ear that made me lose all control.

"Hello? Gail? Earth to Gail?"

Fucking Dov. He pulls me out of the awesome memory. I probably need to go back to work anyways. This Holly thing is quite a distraction.

"What?" I barked.

"Have you finished that report from two days ago? The burglary from 7th ave? Nash wants to see it, if you have it."

"Traci! Yes! I have it. Where is she?"

"She's over there. Why are you so excited? It's a bit freaky."

"Shut up Dov."

"Tone it done."

I hurry towards Traci who's making coffee. I hand her my report and I find myself staring at the coffee. I don't know if I'm thirsty for more, considering I've downed my third one today. And the day isn't even over yet. Maybe I'm just nervous on the subject I'm about to bring up.

"Hey Nashy."

"Gail." She paused and she looks at me quizzically. "Would you like me to make you a cup?"

"No. I've had plenty. Actually I have a question." I look around the room and no one is here. Not that I care what people think, I don't. I just don't want to be heard is all.

"I ahhhh hmmm. I need advice...umm...sooo"

"Just spit it out, Gail."

"Well, I don't know how to say it without sounding like a perv." I look around once again.

"What could you possibly say that would be considered such a thing." She mocks me.

"I'm serious."

"Okaaay. But just spit it out already."

"I ahhhh we haven't...Holly and I...we haven't you know! And I really want to, I just don't know what to do, you know..." And with that I do hand gestures in the air that scares both Nash and I. Fail. Traci's eye widen with my confession, but truly who else am I suppose to talk to? Holly? Yeah right.

"You have not..."

"We haven't...done the deed yet" I whisper out loud. Frustration is setting in because now that I'm talking about it, I'm getting more more nervous.

"Gail, nobody says that anymore. Just say sex. You and Holly haven't had sex yet." Traci says this like nonchalantly, which makes me relax a little.

"Exactly."

"Say it."

"Say what?! That Holly and I...haven't had sex yet?! Okay! Holly and I have not had sex yet and I really really really want to and I don't know how or what. Gosh!" I look around the room once again because my voice is getting higher and louder. I'm probably redder too.

"I just wanna see you flustered, that's all." And she chuckles likes it the cutest thing. It's really not. "Look Gail, sex is easy. It's a natural thing. It should come easy and naturally. I can't tell you how the whole lady on lady thing works. Which btw, what makes you think I know something on that department?"

"You totally just repeated yourself, Trace! And I come to you because you are my friend. And I don't ever recall that we've covered all your wild college days over drinks. You're no help. And I'm taking this coffee."

"Look Gail. I'm sorry. I'm really flattered that you asked me for advice and here it is. Just do what feels good? You know? Just go with the flow and let Holly guide you. Just think how your first time with man was like...You didn't know what you were doing either. So just trust Holly. And if you don't like my advice, do research. Google has all the answer."

"Google...hmmmm. I'm still taking this coffee."

"I think you've had enough."

"Really Traci? You wanna go there? I can tell Steve about that one time in Vegas" I bring the mug to my lips and take a sip. I toast my mug to her and she just smiles and chuckles. I leave the kitchen and head to my desk. Google. Why didn't I think of that?! But I can't do it here at work. My phone should suffice. Oh there's a text from Holly.

H: Hey there! My place tonight? Chinese or Thai? But I think pizza...

Pizza. This woman has stolen my heart.


	5. Chapter 5

***Thanks everyone for the comments and taking the time to read!***

I sit in the car for a long time, staring at my phone the search engine blinking at me. It dims, but I gently tap it again. Should I? Or shouldn't I? Let's be honest. I'm fucking terrified of what's gonna come up. And it's totally nerdy of me to do so. Maybe I should just trust Holly just as Traci had suggested. How do I even begin to bring up the question? Maybe it's too early to be thinking about it. Maybe she's not even thinking about it. Maybe it's just me being so pervy. But I can't take any more cold shower these days. It's frozen outside, and I'm frozen inside. Arghgh. I am turning into an ice queen!

I make my way up to Holly's door. I knock. She opens the door and greets me, kisses me on the cheek. I linger and close my eyes a bit. She smells wonderful. She's wearing just a tee shirt and shorts? I wondered why, but then the heat that hits my face say it all.

"Hey"

"I texted you that the door was open."

"You really shouldn't do that anymore. Damn, it's too hot in here."

"The heater's broken. I've already called and they said they won't be able to fix it until tomorrow."

"Oh." Shit. I'm looking at her, making drinks with her back to me. And I'm noticing the shorts. So short. Legs. Fuck me. Could her legs be any more perfect? I swallow hard because I'm feeling the heat, all the heat as I look her over from head to toe. I take off my jacket. Is she tan? Did she go tanning? Nerds don't go tanning. I open the fridge door to look for something, but really to cool my face down and to find a distraction.

"Here. I have some iced water too or lemonade?"

"It's like 80 degrees. It's kinda hard to breathe." The temperature is an excuse. I look at her and I tell myself to only look Holly in the eyes. Focus on the eyes. No where else. Eyes up top. I have to take off my sweater too. So many damn layers.

"94 actually."

"Damn." I'm sweating. I take the iced water and gulp it down. It didn't help. Coz now she's closer and smelling too good. I head for my favorite spot on the couch and settle in with more iced water.

"Pizza is warm."

"Everything is warm. I'll have that lemonade actually."

"Would you like to go out for dinner then? It is getting really hot here."

"Are you asking me out?"

"I think I just did. Are you saying yes?" Holly takes a seat next to me, handing me my drink, looking very cute.

"Hmmm. Nah...let's just stay in. Besides it's kinda late. You're not wearing anything and I'll just pretend I'm in LA with this temp. Put some Baywatch on or something." I kiss on the cheek. She was sorta asking for it. She smiles and my body temperature rises again.

"I've never seen it."

"Are you serious?! Red bathing suits, running in slow motion? The breasts? They go up...they go down...in slow motion...very appealing to a lesbian, no?" I make hand gestures to which she laughs.

"I have to say no. But now I wanna watch an episode. Didn't know I missed out."

"Yeah. I think I wanted to be one of the lifeguards actually."

"You mean you wanted to be the one doing the slow motion running...interesting."

"Don't get any ideas now."

"Oh my imagination just keeps on...what's the word? Ah running." She's teasing me. I like it. I'm starting to sweat.

"Ah fuck it." I take off my shirt since I have a tank top on underneath. I take of my boots and my socks, revealing my newly painted bright green toenails. She watches me.

"Oh wow. They're green."

"So what?"

"Nothing. It's just I've never seen your toes before. Lime green. It's very...you."

"Well you too. I've never seen your...um...knees before." I steal a look at her toned and tanned legs. I should really start running, maybe the treadmill. Or walking whatever. "They're very odd looking."

"My knees are odd looking?"

"Yup. Look it's all boney," and now I steal a touch, dancing my fingertips on her oddities. "Your patella bone awkwardly protrudes too much."

"Is this your way of flirting with me?" Holly stares at me squinting, placing her hand on my wrist, but not quite stopping my playful touches.

"You like it when I talk nerdy and besides I think you started it." I bite back.

"How's that?"

"Duh. Turning on the heat? Maybe breaking it on purpose...just to get me in my tank top." This is too easy. She makes everything easy. Yet I'm so fucking nervous. All the butterflies are wide awake when we're together. Now they're all doing that acrobatic shit again in my stomach.

"Oh Gail Peck...you really do kill me sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

I close in for a kiss. We kiss slowly, cautiously at first. My heart beats becoming irregular and faster. My hands goes on automatic mode; caressing the sides of her face like they have a mind of their own. I touch my thumb on her lower lip, making her shift a little on the couch and next thing I know, Holly is straddling me. My hands roams on her thighs. Her bare thighs. And I've never felt anything smoother. But that's a lie. Because my hands continue to explore and now they're underneath her shirt, on the small of her back. I trace the contours of her sides and I feel her spine and ribs contract to my touch. I cannot breathe. I hear my heart in my ears. I hear her trying to catch her breath. I kiss her neck, tracing my name with my tongue and I cannot breathe. She kisses me hard on the lips. I break the kiss to catch a breath but hardly. I open my eyes to look up at her.

"I can't breathe." I manage to say and with that Holly groans and attacks my face again. I break the kiss and I say it again. "Ahh I can't..it's too hot.."

"Ahhh you're so hot!" and kisses me again, shifting her hips in more that makes both moan in unison.

"Holly I'm gonna pass out. It's too hot, I can't breathe."

Holly ends the kiss and get off from me, sitting on my side out of breath. We're both spent, breathing heavy with messy hairs and beads of sweat. It's so damn hot that I can't even enjoy what just happened. I'm actually thinking about that iced water. Arghghh. She takes my hands and plays with it, lacing them together and she urgently stands up.

"This heat is not gonna kill the mood. C'mon." Holly pulls me up to my feet. The sound of metal from my belt buckle makes me looks down to only see that it's been undone. She smiles and she drags me by the hand to go upstairs. Her dragging me reminds me that I really need to work on my arms. It's not fair. I pull her in before we take a step on the stairs and kiss her. Am I ready for this? What exactly does she have in mind?

"What are you doing?" I whisper in between her lips. I continue the assault and I feel her pulling me closer, wrapping her arms around my sides.

"Windows. Upstairs. My bedroom. We can open them. All. The. Way." Holly blabbered as we continue to work our way up, stuck together.

"I've never been so excited about windows before. And these stairs are a killer. You need an elevator."

"Maybe you should pick up your feet."

"Maybe you should just pick me up."


	6. Chapter 6

I wake up to a chilly breeze, yet my skin is hot and I feel the sweat on my skin all over. I slowly open my eyes and I remember where I am and it's exactly where I want to be. I bury my face in the pillow with a smile and turn to my left to feel for her. Holly's fast asleep with her bare back to me, few inches away yet I suddenly feel the need to feel her against my skin even with just a simple touch. But I don't. Not yet anyways.

I reply the moments in head earlier this evening. From the moment we got up the stairs, there was no going back. We continued to make out in the hallway. Sloppy kisses, heavy breathing, very loud moaning mostly Holly. But I digress. It was still so hot in the room, but somehow we entered the bedroom and backed up against the wall. Holly then opened the windows, while I tried to catch my breath. I was so light headed from the heat, but I think it was mostly because of her; her touches, her kisses, her tongue behind my ear. A lot of wanting and needing at the same time. My breath and heart caught somewhere in my throat. I'm losing all self control.

The breeze from all the windows gave relief. It also gave me goosebumps and woke up the silently nagging whispers that is negative Gail Peck. I questioned the whole situation. I questioned the feelings I was having. I became doubtful and scared and so fucking nervous and excited all at once. What do I really know? I know I like her. I really really do. I care about her. I care about what she thinks of me. And that's saying a lot. I adore her. I opened my eyes and I looked at her and it made sense. Just like that, it all made sense. She kissed me again, softly this time as if we had all the time in the world. It all made sense. It all makes sense.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself."

"I...we don't have to rush this, you know. I can wait until you're ready."

"I'm okay."

"Really, we can just cool off..."

"Yeah the windows were a great idea, Hols."

"Gail. We can wait."

I remembered looking at her as she said those words and wondering why she's always so patient with me. I kissed her, mimicking the last one, conveying I'm so sure about this let's make fucking rainbows. I placed my hands on her sides and with a quick shift I removed her shirt.

"Are you sure?"

I looked at her as I removed my tank top off. I continued to undress watching her watch me. And of course I had trouble removing my pants. She chuckled and helped me. Fucking skinny jeans. But it didn't ruin the mood, no.

I remembered the way she felt against my skin, how my skin burned all over. But it was the good kinda burn that made you want to feel the burn over and over again. Holly moved against me with careful touches and gentle kisses. She wanted this, I wanted this, but she was holding back. So I grabbed her face and kissed her so hard, it took both of our breaths away that we had to stop a few minutes so that oxygen can enter our bloodstream once again. I don't know how, but I mustered all the strength I have to flip her over. Me on top. And I felt everything and everything felt so good, so right. This is where I want to be, here with Holly.

"Stop thinking," I said. "Stop thinking and make love to me like you want to."

Ask and you shall receive. Well, I didn't really ask. I just told her to do what she wants, words she wanted to hear. She felt so good. All over I ached for more. The heat, the cold Toronto breeze, Holly all over me. I couldn't think, I couldn't control any emotion. My head was full. My heart was swollen and beating so fast, god it was so fast. It was all very overwhelming. I wanted to cry, laugh, scream and shout, die a little bit and maybe I did just that. But honestly I can't remember. All I remember was her. She held me tightly, listened as my heart beats gradually became normal. No words were necessary. Is it always like this, I wanted to ask but didn't. My thoughts overpowered for the need to sleep. I closed my eyes and that was what happened a few hours ago.

I can't help it. I miss her. I miss her even though she's right in front of me, sleeping soundly. I just want to touch her, to see if it's all real and not a dream. I touch her back and trace the length of her spine and I slowly move in to close the space between us. It's early morning, no sun just yet. But the room is still so very warm and lovely with the windows open. I gently kiss her shoulders, her scapula, working my way all over back side. I hear her exhale, and she turns around catching my lips.

"You have no glasses, how can you see my awesome face?"

"I'm not blind, Gail. I see you."

I kiss her. I want a repeat. Yes. I do. Who wouldn't? I feel like I could grow an addiction to her. And I'm really really okay with that. Holly rolls on top of me, breaks the kiss and pulls her hair up into a bun. Amazing.

"Let's make fucking rainbows," she whispers in my ear. I look at her in disbelief.

"Holly Stewart! Your mouth!"

"That's what you said last night and don't even deny it!"


End file.
